allicula (chundercanyon) wrote in eskimofuck,

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i had to write an article about myself in the future, i am not just totally self centered and bored

Wednesday, April 27th, 2033
Update on Professional Celebrity, Von Danzig:

Cassidy Von Danzig, formerly known as Allie Hanloni, was found in Lodi, New Jersey, wearing a latex skeleton costume and enormous sunglasses. After releasing her first album, titled “With A Body Like This, Who Needs Brains” in 2015, at age 28, featuring the hit song “New-Wave Hooker Barfight” she and her husband, Glenn Danzig fled the spotlight to travel the world. Since then, she has rarely been spotted.
Cassidy was looking exhausted and overworked. “I’ve been in and out of court as of late.” She exclaimed to me while inhaling a clove cigarette, and removing her sunglasses, revealing a nasty black eye. “People don’t know who the fuck they’re dealing with!”. She refused to disclose the reason for her regular court battles, but we have heard from different sources that she has had more than one vicious brawl with singer-songwriter Courtney Love. After trashing reggae music in last month’s Bizarre magazine, Cassidy Von Danzig blatantly bad-mouthed Love, saying “Reggae is almost as hideously revolting as Courtney Love! Go write more shit-tastic music, you assface!”
Everyone knows that Cassidy is unstoppable musically or otherwise, but has chosen to lay low, enjoying her surreptitious lifestyle with her hot and evil husband Glenn Danzig who has aged nicely, at age 78, only looking 50-ish, still handsome as ever. “I like older men, so what?” said Cassidy, while accidentally spitting on my face.
Cassidy’s diehard fans, which have been known to tattoo her face and signature all over their bodies, have reportedly seen her on TV, using her original name, Hanloni, in gymnastic competitions. “I’m pretty sure she’s afraid of losing her fanbase.” Says Ming-Ming Cherry, in Japan. “Her neo-trashy badass look would be totally ruined if people knew she was into gymnastics.” Von Danzig refused to comment.

-Orange Tan
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